💙

♡ Your activism and support of people with mental health issues should extend into every week of the year not just the one week that's allocated to mental health awareness.
♡ Yes, it's great that a lot of amazing work is done during MH awareness week but are the people that are posting Facebook statuses saying 'post this message on your timeline if you're always here if someone needs to talk' the same people that actually follow through on that promise? Are they the same people that correct others in their everyday lives when they use mental health conditions as adjectives or call people with mental health issues 'crazy?'
♡ There is still so much work to do in regards to the stigma surrounding mental health issues, and so many people are still being discriminated against and suffering unnecessarily. So please join me in working to raise awareness of mental health conditions every day of the year, it's hard work but it's worth it, I promise.
Love,Tess

Drugs got me sweatin but the room getting colder looking at the angel and the devil on my shoulder will I die tonight I don't know is it over ? Looking for my next high I'm looking for closure lean wit me pop wit me get high with me if you rock with me smoke with me drink with me fucked up liver with some bad kidneys lean wit me pop with me get high wit me if you rock wit me smoke with me drink with me fucked up liver wit some bad kidneys told em if I die ima die Young every day I've been getting fucked up finally know the difference between love and drugs shorty told me I should really sober up this shit ain't fiction it's too real too real fuck one pill I need two pills two pills I'm looking for trouble so I know I'm gonna find it ring ring plug hit my phone perfect timin I know I'm not right but I'm not wrong no I'm not wrong girl you hate it when I'm too high but that where I belong lean wit me pop Wit me get high if you rock with me smoke wit me drink wit me fucked up liver wit some bad kidneys eyes red no visine crashed mustang no saleen yeah I love PS yeah I love lean I laugh when they ask if my piss clean

♡"Everything will be okay in the end, of it's not okay it's not the end." Huge love,Tessa

♡Recovery win guys!
♡Yesterday I went to Tesco and I bought all three flavors of the new vegan Ben and Jerry's and let me tell you, it is FAB.
♡ I tried a spoonful of each last night (the one in the pic is my favorite 😍)
♡ Being vegan is not an excuse to restrict from yummy foods, just because they're a little harder to find. ♡And that leads on to my main point today... 'there are no bad foods.'
This is especially true in recovery when all foods are good foods, foods that will help to restore your health and happiness)
♡ People always label foods and put them into categories but the truth is your body needs all of the categories in order to function properly. ♡ And so please, don't ever feel guilty for eating 'junk food', everything is healthy in moderation.
♡ By eating you're nourishing your body, s good thing, and so why should we feel guilty? I know it's incredibly difficult to think like this when you're struggling but it's the truth and it's important to keep reminding yourself of facts like this to improve your capacity to rationalize with your disorder.
♡And even if you don't suffer from an ED you will probably have still experienced guilt after eating and so it's still good to recognize these things. ♡ So, to conclude - all foods are good foods, necessities for survival, and guilt is an entirely learned concept which, while it's frustrating to think that you have learned such a negative thing and it's not something innate, that you were born with, it also means that it can be 'unlearnt'. I know it's hard but you've got this lovely and I'm here with you every step of the way. 
Huge love and hugs,
Tessa

Haunted

Sorry i havent been updateing much,im sorta being haunted

my bully

ik its been forever

sorry guys,im just spending time with my boo and putting this blog aside for the moment to focus on him



Fighting depression is hard.
Where do you start? 
Are you giving into your illness if you take mental health days?
The answers aren't simple. But what is simple is, fight, just fight. 
Get up.
Get out.
Nourish.
You don't need to do make up.
You don't need to walk anywhere.
Get up, do into your garden and feed yourself.
It will be hard I'm not going to Sugar coat it for you. It's shit. It's gross and grueling. You're going to want to give in. You can't! 
You need to see the world, not know every nook and cranny of your ceiling and the way some of the paint has the seeps of nicotine coming through. You need to meet new people, learn new things, try new foods, find a new public footpath. 
You need to fight and you need to get better.
Get up,
Take meds,
Get out,
Nourish,
Recover,
Live.

This happened WEDNESDAY

Here,before I miss EVEN MORE DAYS

SATURDAY:This is me giving you permission to disobey your mental illness.
This is me giving you permission to eat.
This is me giving you permission to get out of bed.
This is me giving you permission to go to bed.
This is me telling you it's okay to not self harm today.
This is me telling you it's okay to have a rest day.
This is me telling you it's okay to have a bad day.
This is me telling you it's okay.

SUNDAY:Let's talk about clothes for a hot minute. Ptw, u talk about thoughts.
"Anorexic clothes" are quite the lil shits. We're all guilty of hanging onto them for too long. Myself included.
When I started loosing weight I gave other people my pre-weight-loss clothes size that I wouldn't go back to it.
Over the years of being ill I have accumulated many super funky clothes. With my eating disorder I have found myself, my true self. And I wouldn't change that for the world.
I have 2 pairs of trousers I wear, I have some ED clothes which still fit me. I could wear those. But my brain tells me that I "can't wear them" / "only skinny people can wear that" / "Aha you look fat as fuck in that". And the even sadder bit, I believe it. 
I keep hold of that clothes, just in case.
Anorexia won't let me get rid if them because they're so me, if I loose a bit of weight then they may fit. 
Anorexia say if I loose some weight, I might get a thigh gap back which means I can wear my pinafores and dresses again.
But I can wear them. I can wear them at any weight. TESSA with a thigh gap is not the most attractive thing, and guess why! Because my anatomy doesn't allow for that to happen unless I'm on the cusp of being underweight.
One day, I'll wear a pair of trousers like my favourite high waisted, black and white, wide leg pinstripe jeans... but they won't be my ED ones. They'll be new, I'll chuck our my old ones. But for now, I wear two pairs of trousers, because that's all I feel comfortable in. And that's okay, for now

MONDAY:

• Fighting depression is hard.
  Where do you start?
  Are you giving into your illness if you take mental health days?
  The answers aren't simple. But what is simple is, fight, just fight.
  Get up.
  Get out.
  Nourish.
  You don't need to do make up.
  You don't need to walk anywhere.
  Get up, do into your garden and feed yourself.
  It will be hard I'm not going to Sugar coat it for you. It's shit. It's gross and grueling. You're going to want to give in. You can't!
  You need to see the world, not know every nook and cranny of your ceiling and the way some of the paint has the seeps of nicotine coming through. You need to meet new people, learn new things, try new foods, find a new public footpath.
  You need to fight and you need to get better.
  Get up,
  Take meds,
  Get out,
  Nourish,
  Recover,
  Live.
• 
  TUESDAY:(INCASE I FORGET TO JOURNAL)Dear my body.
  I can't apologize for the shit I have put you through.
  You have been by my side for my first steps.
  You have been by my side when learning to ride a bike.
  You have been by my side when learning to read, whistle and talk.
  I've starved you, hurt you and taken you for granted.
  I've tried to mould you into a tiny fragmentation of nothingness, and I'm sorry for that.
  I've tried to change you and hide you.
  I've wished you desist and cursed you when you kept me alive.
  I'll love you one day.
  One step at a time.
  I'm getting there.
  Body, I'm sorry.
  

IK I MISSED ANOTHER DAY!

THURSDAY:
When I take pictures,I check it to make sure I like it. And I usually do. Until I noticed the fat on my stomach poking out, so then I took another one. I soon realized how fucked that was. 
I realized it's okay to have squish, it's normal to have squish. 
Squish protects my vital organs and my bones. 
Squish helps me run.
Squish helps me power lift.
Squish helps me scramble, hike, jump and climb. 
It keeps me warm and protects me. 
With my squish, I can strut, I can fit into clothes which make me feel good, pretty, sexy even. 
With my squish I'm 17 and looking that age. With my squish, people don't assume I'm 10. 
My squish let's me drink, party, experiment with drugs and learn, both academic and life skills. 
My squish helps me LIVE. And that is why I love my squish. That is why I love recovery.
Recover. Heal. Flourish and learn to love yourself and others.

TODAY:

• Let's get one thing straight, life is hard. Everyone experiences sadness, but not everyone experiences depression.
  Depression is not an adjective or an emotion, it's a debilitating disorder.
  Depression is different. Depression is the all consuming numbing darkness which chews you up but never spits you out so you just desolve through the cracks it leaves in your dimming personality.
  Depression takes your life away. Depression takes your enjoyment, your friends, your education and job.
  When you look in the mirror you don't recognize yourself, you loose yourself. You loose all sight of hope, brightness and a future.
  Depression is the silent crying, silent screaming. You need help, and you know it's not just sadness but you don't know quite what it is.
  Sadness is not my mental illness, depression is.
  Depression is not how you feel because your mum won't buy you a Costa. Depression is depression, and nothing less.

Missed a day

TUESDAY:
My best friend is Chevi-ik i told yall that but y'all should get yourself an Chevi! -
She's intelligent, possess a pure heart and soul. She is down to earth and loyal, trustworthy, honest and dependable. She is a fab listener, she doesn't judge me EVER! Emma is funny, fun to be around and extremely empathic! She's supported me through thick and thin and for that I am eternally grateful! 
You may or may not have noticed I haven't mentioned anything about her physical appearance... now yes, she is beautiful too, but how much does that matter? Well PLOT TWIST, IT DOESN'T BLOODY MATTER! (ptw from now on) A true friend will not care if you have a big nose, eyes are too far apart, you have a birth mark that covers half your face and neck. They don't care for the number on the scales, the size of your waist, wrist, thigh, bum or arm. A true friend doesn't care whether you have a thigh gap of if you are a size six! 
Guess what, it's not only true friends which don't care! NOBODY CARES! No decent person will care about anything I just listed! They don't care because it doesn't matter! Your physical appearance DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR WORTH! 
GOOD PEOPLE won't ACTUALLY like you more if you have a wide space for partials to pass through between your legs, how high up your arm your fingers still touch when wrapped around it. NO ONE FUCKING CARES! 
So why do we?! Like srsly?! Why? Being a fucking corpse doesn't give you a space at university, it doesn't give you a spot on the Gymnastics or cheer leading team, it doesn't attract more friends, it doesn't get you your dream job, it doesn't make you or anyone in your life happy. It does the EXACT OPPOSITE! It emotionally kills people that care for you, it puts you in hospital, it takes away your brain function so no chance of uni. 
Don't kid yourself. Don't let your ED kid you either! Life is shit in relapse, when your underweight or just with an eating disorder in general! Don't let it win

TODAY:Anorexia is not just not eating. Anorexia is not just thigh gaps and a narrow waist. It is not just rich, white, teenage girls. It is not just hating food. It is not a choice or a lifestyle. It is not just small wrists popping out of oversized sweaters. It is deadly. It is serious. It is my life, not your joke.

Anorexia is a coping mechanism, because what you eat is the only bloody thing you can control in this turbulent ride through hell. 
It is the pure fear of food. It is refusal of a piece of fruit even if the doctors say it could save your life in this moment. It is the obsession with food so much in spare time you visit the supermarket to ogle at all the food that you are not allowed to have. 
It is the people, the all consuming self hatred, the loss of yourself. Your personality is slipping away and shrouded by the darkness that is anorexia. It is not beautiful, it is not pretty faces and soft skin. Anorexia is shallow, gaunt faces spewing lies, manipulation, hate and anger. It's cold summer days and spiritless mindfulness. It is bony fingers and straw hair that trails behind you.

Anorexia is shit. You are not. You are worthy.

E.D

🏥🏥Fucking eating disorders are not pretty, they are not glamorous, they are not edgy and indie. They are not delicate, osseous smooth skin covered hands poking out out of rolled up sleeves of oversized grey sweaters. They are not back and white filters and black coffee with 10 sweaters to mask the bitter taste. They are not not eating for three days "to be pretty" for a date. They are not long fingers gently cressing the back of a skinny girl's throat. They are not sit ups in bed and star jumps instead of applying mascara. They are ugly, repulsive lackluster illnesses. They are inelegant, parched hand wrapped around legs every 10 minutes to see if "I've gotten fatter". Fat, fat, bulging, chunky, plump, beefy, rotund, obese, oversized, obese, obese, obese, obesely odious. Ugly. Is me. Is my eating disorder. They are legging to show the world how skinny you've gotten and the next day your body dismorphia is so bad you are in genie pants but you're convinced they're your tightest pair of leggings. They are beautified images of different shaped and sized boys, girls, people with no gender, people that float between different genders because floating is all most know how to do and we are just lucky we are not drowning or not being eaten by the sharks of the ocean called life. Eating disorders are messy. Eating disorders are scary. Eating disorders are the fithteen kilometer runs that build up twenty K that build up to thirty K that build up to the dehydrated heaving chundering on the pavement so much you collapse get up and run some more because why stop when you can be skinny. Eating disorders are not pretty, glamorous, indie or edgy, they are life or death.

Recovery

💋💋Recovery. What does that even mean? It is different for everyone. For me, it is not just the typical getting my life back, it is also being able to do the small things, like walk up the stairs to the big things like completing what spirit guides tell me. It is going out clothes shopping and not being triggered and sent into a backwards cycle of restrict, lose weight, self harm, OD and repeat. It is waking up in the morning and finding it hard to drag myself out but still getting up, getting dressed and getting out. 
But, that is just what recovery brings you over time. You cannot get what you want without the work. To do what you want, you cannot also do what your demons want, you have to disobey them, you have to fight with every inch, every cell, every fiber of your being for your life or i hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will no longer be a being. Recovery is not simple. It is not a quick fix. It is time consuming, painful, heart wrenching and quite frankly harder to go through than the days before recovery.

There are good days, there are bad days, there are days where you do just feel so bloody numb that you might as well be the still, cold nothingness air in the therapy waiting room freezing you at seven in the morning so you can still make it into school on time so nobody notices and nobody asks questions. Because let’s be real, those questions always trigger the backward spiral.

PREACH

🎱🎱🎱This is for the people that have not been in inpatient. This is for the people that haven't had a proper diagnosis. This is for the people that never to tube fed. This is for the people that never went into general hospital. This is for the people that were never put on the drip. This is for the people that never got put on bed rest. This is for the people that never fainted. This is for the people that never got restrained. This is for the people that fought a little better, aimed right. You are worth treatment. Tube is not what all those pro ana accounts make it out to be. General is full of people of whom wake you up at 12am, 3am and 7am for blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Inpatient is full of hospital food, ensures after 20 minutes. Full of people also going through some tough times, it is full of traumatic experiences and shitty therapy groups. 
This is for the people that never felt valid.
This is me telling you you're more than valid! 
This is me telling you to get in, stay in and slay recovery xx