Here,before I miss EVEN MORE DAYS

SATURDAY:This is me giving you permission to disobey your mental illness.
This is me giving you permission to eat.
This is me giving you permission to get out of bed.
This is me giving you permission to go to bed.
This is me telling you it's okay to not self harm today.
This is me telling you it's okay to have a rest day.
This is me telling you it's okay to have a bad day.
This is me telling you it's okay.

SUNDAY:Let's talk about clothes for a hot minute. Ptw, u talk about thoughts.
"Anorexic clothes" are quite the lil shits. We're all guilty of hanging onto them for too long. Myself included.
When I started loosing weight I gave other people my pre-weight-loss clothes size that I wouldn't go back to it.
Over the years of being ill I have accumulated many super funky clothes. With my eating disorder I have found myself, my true self. And I wouldn't change that for the world.
I have 2 pairs of trousers I wear, I have some ED clothes which still fit me. I could wear those. But my brain tells me that I "can't wear them" / "only skinny people can wear that" / "Aha you look fat as fuck in that". And the even sadder bit, I believe it. 
I keep hold of that clothes, just in case.
Anorexia won't let me get rid if them because they're so me, if I loose a bit of weight then they may fit. 
Anorexia say if I loose some weight, I might get a thigh gap back which means I can wear my pinafores and dresses again.
But I can wear them. I can wear them at any weight. TESSA with a thigh gap is not the most attractive thing, and guess why! Because my anatomy doesn't allow for that to happen unless I'm on the cusp of being underweight.
One day, I'll wear a pair of trousers like my favourite high waisted, black and white, wide leg pinstripe jeans... but they won't be my ED ones. They'll be new, I'll chuck our my old ones. But for now, I wear two pairs of trousers, because that's all I feel comfortable in. And that's okay, for now

MONDAY:

• Fighting depression is hard.
  Where do you start?
  Are you giving into your illness if you take mental health days?
  The answers aren't simple. But what is simple is, fight, just fight.
  Get up.
  Get out.
  Nourish.
  You don't need to do make up.
  You don't need to walk anywhere.
  Get up, do into your garden and feed yourself.
  It will be hard I'm not going to Sugar coat it for you. It's shit. It's gross and grueling. You're going to want to give in. You can't!
  You need to see the world, not know every nook and cranny of your ceiling and the way some of the paint has the seeps of nicotine coming through. You need to meet new people, learn new things, try new foods, find a new public footpath.
  You need to fight and you need to get better.
  Get up,
  Take meds,
  Get out,
  Nourish,
  Recover,
  Live.
• 
  TUESDAY:(INCASE I FORGET TO JOURNAL)Dear my body.
  I can't apologize for the shit I have put you through.
  You have been by my side for my first steps.
  You have been by my side when learning to ride a bike.
  You have been by my side when learning to read, whistle and talk.
  I've starved you, hurt you and taken you for granted.
  I've tried to mould you into a tiny fragmentation of nothingness, and I'm sorry for that.
  I've tried to change you and hide you.
  I've wished you desist and cursed you when you kept me alive.
  I'll love you one day.
  One step at a time.
  I'm getting there.
  Body, I'm sorry.