💀💀💀💀I felt almost free from my eating disorder for the most part, which yes, it means everything else consumed me (pun intended, sorry) but I was able to try so much!
I had multiple snacks and meals in the car, ate in public(!!huge fear!!), tried new foods, didn't compensate.
FYI, SODA BREAD IS FUCKING AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND AAHHH!! I'd like to say it was all good and I'm still feeling amazing about recovery after it but to be honest I'm not.
Possible trigger warning, And I do blame that on my step dad, ngl. I still want to recover, just I'm starting to do behaviors again and restricting. So dinner tonight I made sure I didn't do any of that malarkey!!
❇❇❇❇So here's a little update for you guys. *So ptw to ED, ocd, mood, personality disorders.* Things are okay, ish. Food is the best it's been, but that's kinda where it stops. I've only showered once this week, body image is pretty fucking shit, mood is shit, s/h is shit so basically I feel like shit. It's like when food is good, everything else plummets. But when food is shit, everything else is okay.
But yeah. I'm facing at least 1 fear food a day and 1 rule, ritual of behavior a day. I'm intuitively eating majority of the time and having cups of tea outside of meal and snack times without “compensating” which is a HUGE thing for me because anyone who knows me knows I LOVE TEA! I love herbal tea but my all time comfort thing this a good English tea!
Exercise, well… haha, it's fluctuating tbh. Sometimes I'm doing loads in secret sometimes nun at all because I simply can not be bothered. Oh and I'm 50 days purge free🎉. So when I get back to school I have to see my psychiatrist to do a few tests. Tests around meds and personality disorders. I've been depersonalising at least once a day and dissociating is on and off throughout the day. Sometimes the water is acid thing is there for a few days, sometimes a few minutes.
Ptsd wise things are tough. I'm getting a lot of flashbacks but I don't know why. I think I'll just have to wait until I get to see my psychologist to see why it's happening. Nightmares are happening a lot, sometimes I wake up sometimes I don't. Finally ocd is so so bad omg I can't even. Things are just driving me nuts, I try to overcome it but I really cannot. It's so hard :(( !!PTW OVER!! But onwards and upwards!! As mom would say ;) . I have so much motivation to recover and it feels scary but also so liberating! Gotta keep fighting, gotta keep pushing, gotta keep plodding along!
I appreciate everything you all do for me and I really hope things are somewhat better.
Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn!
(What I intended to write on Monday)So yesterday was the first day one week I got up, showered and went out. And I'm proud!
TUESDAY AKA TODAY:🔮So lads, bit of an update. ! Putting a possible trigger warning here - intrusive thoughts - !I have so much motivation to recover right now and I will keep fighting. I'm so so done with this stupid, competitive illness. On occasions I do get thoughts of "Not enough people have seen you ill"/"they know you were instatutionalised but not what for"/"your baggy clothes always covered how small you got"/"you need to prove it to them"
But I'm getting more able to rationalize it and block it out. Every time I go to restrict I do the exact opposite. I have what I want, what Tessa wants. I'm finally able to say with confidence, I am not my eating disorders! - I am anorexic, I have bulimia, I have ednos and p/b. But I AM NOT anorexia, I am not bulimia, I am not b/p and I'm not ednos.
I am Tessa and I will recover!🚬
SSOOO, update time! ⚠⚠⚠PUTTING A MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING HERE now - Don't blame me, I have warned you!⚠⚠⚠ I've been really struggling, a lot. I'm so done with all of this! It's too hard! I am not even that sick anymore!! Yes I am still underweight a lil bit, but nowhere near a point that is dangerous!! 3 days ago I overdosed on my Sertraline, however nothing was happening like 20 minutes later so I started freaking out thinking I would end up brain damaged and alive. CPC keep warning me if I continue to have incidences then I'll have to go inpatient again. Thank my lucky stars, there are no open beds near me rn so they're considering day patient instead but they can't find anywhere atm. I just can't do this anymore, I mean life, I mean recovery! It's too hard and they all expect too much! Not to mention I haven't even been sick that long, and when I was tubed it was only for 4 days, I feel as if I'm bad at having an eating disorder, I feel like a bad anorexic. I kinda know it's a bit silly but at the same time, I don't care. I just want to be skinny again! 😩😩
So I've been tagged by multiple to do the 20 non ed facts about me so I thought I might as well do at as I've been distant due to sleeping & depression
1. I was born in America
2. I'm an only child
3. I'm pansexual (no, I don't fuck pans)
4. Velvet is kinda my thing rn
5. I have a bff named Chevi,a year older than me
6. I was raised by a single dad and even if I do say so myself I think he did a damn good job
7. I've been dancing before I could walk
8. I never had proper dance lessons until I auditioned for a company in year 2008 that was a feeder to CJA
9. I was a vegetarian for almost 9 years
10.I was a vegan for over a year
11. I love eggs with a passion, always have and always will
12. I don't have a favorite colour because I'm scared of hurting other colours' feelings....jk I love red and black and green and purple-go fuck yourself other colors
13. I hate summer, everyone gets sticky, sweaty and it's so gross
14. Winter is my favorite season
15. I had a Tumblr blog with over 5k followers (lgbtq+bubble)
16. I'm very fiance oriented
17. I adore animals
18. I'm female
19. I love cooking
20. I can fit my whole fist in my mouth lol
So yeee, that is it! Please remember, YOU ARE NOT YOUR ILLNESS!!!! keep fighting xxx
Fight me, the chickpeas have made me stronger!
Home leave again bitches!!! I got activity level 4 in round table this week and reduced supervision after morning snack! (Round table is like ward round but for eating disorder patients on a Thursday and we sit in on it instead of having to write in requests.)
PTW---> I'm really struggling ED wise and depression wise. New patients on the eating disorder program make it a little harder but that's just because they're really struggling at the moment and need the same help as I. ALL WILL BE OKAY SOON THOUGH!!! KEEP FIGHTING AND STAY STRONG MY Gs!! Much love and unicorn magic!
♥♥♥♥♥ I Love Chevi,my bff! It makes me so sad that the people I've been friends with months are some of the nicest people I have ever met! They don't deserve what they are going through, no one does! They have turned into life long friends and when I the unit I'm going to miss them so much!
I'm surrounded by the best people I could ever ask for, both back in Toms River and in Camden. I love and appreciate all my friends and I'm so grateful for everything they do for me!❤❤❤❤❤
#eatittobeatit#eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery
DON'T GIVE UP! YOU'VE STILL GOT A FEW MORE MOTHERFUCKERS TO PROVE WRONG!
I really don't think this needs a TW but I'll put it there just incase.
The past 10 weeks have been crazy. So much had happened. 8 weeks ago I was in the Beth Isreal hospital in N.J with the tube and a canula for a week, now I'm on meal plan D+ amended, activity level 3(30 minutes of activity a day) and getting 4 hours to sleep. No I'm not sure how I feel about it, no I don't want to do treatment, but I also don't want to end up back with the NG tube up my nose. I remember the feeling of it there and I don't want to feel it again. What I want is to dance and be completely vegan again,but I wanna eat meat and im sure as hell not gonna only eat fish cos as much as I love seafood-too much got me sick.I got the shit end of the stick but u got to do what you got to do!4ish months I have been to the adult unit and I'm shitting it. Any advice to handle MFT would be great! One of the new girls at the unit is an ex patient and said that it was MFT that caused her to relapse so I'm doubly nervous now! Anyways, keep fighting my lovelies, I know you can do this cos im trying!!! 💪💪
🤗🤗🦄🦄❤❤
Oi oi bitches, I'm back!
So I'm still an inpatient up in Morgansville and have been for 9 weeks now. It is crazy man! I am now a optimist or trying to be as possible.I have egg, milk and Tesco yogurts on my hate list (you can only have 3 things on the list and you have to be specific) I am doing things and eating things which I wouldn't have dreamt of! I don't really want to do treatment but I'm starting to see the positives of it! Keep fighting xxx
LIKE MY WIG?
So I got diagnosed with anorexia at my appointment today and they said that they won't make me go back to eating only veggies, but I could be vegetarian, I'm not allowed to be a vegan anymore. But I refuse to promote & support an Industry and lifestyle I'm so against cos I love meat. I explained my diet to them and how long I have been eating only meat and so little of them and they said they are shocked I'm still walking and not in a hospital. They said I might have to give up dance too, and that I'm not allowed to do any exercise which I can't possibly bare. I'm so determined to get better by being me and I don't want to give up dance! I will make it! I will be okay soon!
#ed #anorexiarecovery#anarecovery
